He Promised
by Dawn
Summary: Takes place after Chosen SB implied


Title: He Promised

Author: Dawn

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Takes place after "Chosen". S/B

Distribution: Anywhere, but please let me know and keep my name attached.

Feedback: Always welcome if it's of the good or at least constructive criticism.

Author's Note: I found this on my hard drive and decided to let it see the light of day. Hope it was worth it.

She could hear the tinny voices of the television from the room next door. The excited chatter of the "bitty Buffy's" was hard to block out as well. Not like she could sleep anyway. Every time she closed her eyes, all she could see was his beautiful eyes filled with joy at being able to save the world, at being part of something bigger than he was. Imagine that. A vampire rejoicing over saving human life. Who'd have guessed? Certainly not her after their first meeting. How life did change.

She wiped stray tears from her cheeks. Her pillow was soaked with them and she'd stopped trying to quell them. What was the point? He deserved to have at least one person mourn him. The others didn't understand how far he'd come to do what he'd done. She was the only one who truly knew how important an act it was.

There was a knock at the door but she ignored it. Maybe if she feigned sleep they would go away. It had worked for the past two days. A small voice called her name and she recognized it as Dawn but she couldn't bring herself to give entrance. She knew that besides herself, Dawn was the only one feeling Spike's loss. They had been close once. They had built a tentative relationship when he'd returned from Africa. Not nearly what if had been before 'the incident' but it was better than nothing.

She could see the shadow of feet move away from the bottom of the door. Her silence had worked yet again. She knew they wouldn't leave her alone forever. They would join forces soon enough and try an intervention to pull her out of her self-imposed exile. She would get up. Just not today. Today she would lie here and remember every word, deed and moment she had shared with Spike. She would once again let the story of their lives run through her head until those last fateful words of "No you don't, but thanks for saying it." He hadn't believed her. Or maybe he had and just couldn't admit it. Too little too late perhaps. She'd had that old familiar urge to punch him in the nose but circumstances had stayed her hand.

And now he was gone. Now she would never get the chance to prove him wrong or hear him admit that he hadn't meant what he'd said. She had tried so hard to convince him that he would never be anything to her and apparently she had succeeded past her wildest dreams. He had heard it so often and said in so many ways why should he believe her in his final moments? Probably thought she had done it out of pity or out of the fact that she would never have to live up to what she was professing.

She punched the pillow a little too hard and feathers went flying everywhere. Stupid vampire and his stupid last words. She'd never forget them as long as she lived.

It was late and everyone was asleep when Buffy snuck out of the room. They were only a few miles from what had been Sunnydale. They had stopped the bus in the next town over to bandage up the wounded and get Robin to a hospital. Faith was still by his bedside even now more than likely.

As soon as she was out of sight from the motel she started to run. The wind whipped at her hair and the tears she didn't even realize she was still crying ran into her ears. She ran at full Slayer speed and kept running until she came to the very edge of what had been her home for seven years. In the dark, there was nothing but pitch blackness yawning before her. She stood there, her breath heaving in and out and closed her eyes. She opened up her Slayer senses with the tiniest hope that it might pick up something still in the hole at her feet.

There was nothing but the wind and the sound of sand blowing over the jagged road. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself and began to sob. Not just for Spike but for Tara, Anya and her mother. All lost to them now. Not even a place in the ground marked with stone. No pictures, no momentos, just the memories that would one day fade to a blur.

Her throat was raw and her whole body was shaking now. Her knees gave out and she hit the rough pavement hard. She didn't feel the tiny rocks imbed themselves in her flesh or the scrape of asphalt on skin. She was numb. The pain was just too much and all the oceans in the world couldn't wash it away.

What else would she have to give up for her calling? Her sister was the only thing she had left and whoever was in charge of these things had already tried to take her once. When would she be left alone? Now that she wasn't the only Slayer? Would she now find the peace she had lost when she had been pulled from heaven? Would they now share her burden of being destroyed from the inside out for trying to save a world that couldn't care less? A world that would not mourn the man who had saved it? The man she had loved?

Suddenly her vamp radar went haywire and she was up and in a fighting stance in seconds. She gasped aloud. She almost reached up to rub her eyes in the event she was hallucinating. She never expected to see him again so soon.

"Angel?" She whispered. She had never wanted to see someone less.

He stood a few feet away in his characteristic position with head down and hands shoved in pockets. She wasn't sure how long he'd been there. She'd been so immersed in her grief that her senses were slow to alert her.

"Giles called," was his opening statement. Couldn't he ever just start out by saying, "Hey Buffy, how's it going?'

Buffy barked out a sharp laugh lacking any humor.

"Of course he did. Buffy's gone round the bend, Angel, best come and bring her back again." She turned away from him angrily not even realizing the bad British accent she had affected to state her last sentence. How dare he come here? This spot was sacred to her now. How dare he be alive and not the vampire she would have now chosen.

"He told me what happened and said you hadn't been out of your room for days. He was worried. He thought you might be able to talk to me. Thought maybe I'd understand, I guess." He finished unsure now.

"How could you possibly understand? How could you?" She swung around suddenly and looked at him accusingly.

"Did you know what would happen? Did you know it would destroy him?"

Angel stood there in stunned silence.

"Did you?!" She screamed at him. He jumped visibly and hurried to answer.

"No! God, no. You have to believe that. You chose him, remember? I wanted to wear the damn thing. It was supposed to be me." He said with guilt. Just a little more to add to what he bore already.

"I wish it had been you." It was spoken so softly he had barely heard it. His chest, which was never warm, turned to ice.

"I'm sorry it wasn't, Buffy. I really am." There was quiet between them for several moments before she looked back to him again.

"I wish you could have seen his face when I gave it to him. Like I had just handed him the world, not death. Called him a Champion. And he was. He was. Never asked for it, just did what he always did. Had my back. To the very end." Her voice was quivering and the tears were threatening again. Would she ever run out?

"I didn't know…you said that night that he wasn't your…"

"He wasn't." She said sharply. "What we had couldn't be labeled by trite high school names. He was mine. And he was none of your business." She finished curtly.

"At least he died a hero. Died saving the world." He said trying to console her. He knew immediately it hadn't been the right thing to say. She turned on him with anger and something akin to disgust in her eyes. She had never looked at him like that before.

"Damn the world! I hate this bloody world! I'd rather he still be alive! I would have let it all go to hell if I'd known it meant losing him!" She cried out. She nearly buckled again but Angel was there to catch her before she hit the ground. She sobbed into the rough wool of his coat. She clutched at the lapels as if they were the only thing keeping her standing.

He pulled her tight to him and just held on. He'd had no idea. And her words stunned him. She had put a sword through him without a moment's hesitation to save this world from being sucked into hell. He knew that even now she didn't regret that decision. But she would have let the First win if she'd known it would require Spike's life. She really had loved the vampire. Loved Spike more that she had ever loved him. And strangely he wasn't jealous or even a little bit angry. He was just incredibly sad for her and all she had lost.

"I'm so sorry, Buffy." He kept saying it over and over. And she just kept crying.

It had probably been only minutes but it felt like hours when she had finally stopped and he'd let her down onto the road to sit. She was weak from not eating or sleeping and the emotions running through her were draining. They sat now in companionable silence just staring out over the gaping maw before them.

She sniffed and wiped at her nose with the back of her hand. She looked over at the man beside her and tried to remember what it had felt like to love him. She couldn't. It had been so long ago and so short. And she had been so young. Had not known what true love was then.

"I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it about wishing it had been you." She apologized. He gave her a half-hearted smile.

"You meant it. But it's okay. I forgive you."

She nodded and looked down at her hands.

"I have nothing to remember him by. Nothing to hold on to when the pain comes. Everything of him and my mother are buried in the rubble down there."

Angel sighed and thought for a moment before reaching into his inner coat pocket. He took something out and held it between his thumb and forefinger before handing it to her.

She took it slowly from him and squinted to make it out in the dark. It was Spike. Not a recent picture but it was him. He was wearing clothes right out of a Western, boots and all. The only thing missing was the cowboy hat. She nearly laughed out loud.

"He thought it would be fun. He was enamored of the Wild West. All that freedom to kill people without the law stepping in. Such a violent time and he loved violence."

She couldn't disagree with him, but then again she loved it as well. It was one of the things that had drawn her to him.

On his face was the infamous smirk, as if the whole world was at his feet. He was leaning casually back with his elbows braced on the bar of an old saloon. He looked beautiful. She turned towards Angel with the beginnings of a smile on her face.

"Thank you. Where did you possibly get this? You weren't with them anymore then were you?"

"No, but I kept up with them. They were still family after all. That was tacked to a Wanted board in Texas. Saw it and took it."

"I'm so glad you did. Do you have more from when you guys were traveling together?" She asked hopefully. If vampires could blush she was sure he would have.

"Yeah, but they aren't for a child's eyes. We were evil Buffy. He would never have wanted you to see that part of his unlife. He would want you to remember him as he was at the end. A changed man. Changed by his love for you." It was hard to get that out but he knew it was true.

She nodded her agreement.

"This is enough." She whispered.

"Well, I need to be heading back. The sun will be up in a couple of hours and Giles is probably pulling his hair out over you."

"I know. I just can't leave yet. You go on back to the motel and tell him I'm okay. I'll be right behind you."

"You sure?" he asked hesitantly. She clutched the picture to her chest.

"Yeah."

"Okay then." He stood up and turned to leave when her voice stopped him.

"Angel?"

He looked over his should at the woman he had once lost his soul over.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. You can never know what this…" she couldn't continue. He nodded once and then melted into the darkness.

Buffy turned and sat back down. She stared at the picture until the first rays of dawn turned the sky from black to gray and then to purple. The sun broke over the horizon and the devastation of Sunnydale was evident to her now.

She stood up on shaky legs and walked to the very edge of the crater.

"You promised you'd never leave me. Not till I asked you to go. I will never be ready for you to not be here. But as long as I hold onto your memory, you'll never be gone. So I'll always hold on to it, Spike. I'll never let you go. Never. I promise."

Taking one more deep breath of the damp morning air, Buffy turned and headed back to the waiting arms of her family.


End file.
